Friends Are Like Weather

I know what you’re thinking. “That’s a very nice looking figurine. How is that not a quality donation?”

And you’re right. It’s very lovely (other than the snowflakes kind of look like a spine) and someone would pay a good price for it. What you can’t see is the writing on the back of it. I copied it down so I could reproduce it here, but I don’t want to get up. I’ll tell you the gist of it. Friends are like snowflakes. There’s more to it than that, something about them dancing around us and being unique, but the important part is that friends are like snowflakes.

Items with cutesy print about friends/sisters/puppies being precious gifts given by angels turn up all the time. The problem is that they always have the flimsiest similes a human being could conceive of. One item we received claimed that friends are like buttons. How? Because we collect them. My guess was that the number you have depends on the shirt you’re wearing. Or because I keep mine in a jar on the sewing table.

So here are a few ways that the friends/snowflake comparison could be misconstrued. They change at certain temperatures. They only come around during the winter. Children try to catch them with their tongues. They’re pretty at first but after week they sit by the side of the road looking ugly.

Feel free to leave your own version in the comments.

Burger Blaster

At the Donation Location, we are looking for items that we can sell for a decent profit. That money made will in turn go to helping people improve their lives. And you know what brings in the big bucks? Ketchup themed, space toys.

This is an imperfect storm. It’s a Heinz bottle that turns into a rocket ship. It’s unnecessary and has shades of the robots that turn into buildings from Big. It’s called a Burger Blaster. The tag line is “Heinz is the thick, rich fun.” And check out that top illustration on the instructions. It’s too much to focus on. Throw in how funny the word “condiment” is on it’s own and you’ve got a double entendre overload.

Dicey

Continuing the recent literary theme, today we have a game for adults called Dirty Words.

These are the rules:

1. Gather a group of friends who like the idea of being considered provocative or racy.

2. Pick from the cubes that have words on all sides.

3. Take turns formulating some adult-type sentences with your cubes, building off of the previous players sentence, in a Scrabble-like fashion.

4. After each turn say things like, “I’ll keep that in mind for later tonight,” or, “I do love having cream massaged into my buns;” knowing full well that the most elaborate bedroom activity you’re comfortable with is an awkward, failed attempt at reverse cowgirl.

The example I have provided here reads, “crave that slow ass thrust.”

Questionable Books Pt. I

I don’t know what about this book screamed, “donate me to charity” to the former owner. Maybe it was the title. Maybe it was the cover art with a baby that appears to have defecated. Maybe it was the author’s name that shares 5 letters with “Amos ‘n’ Andy.” It’s too much to take in at once. Everything is going wrong.
NOTE: I’m not blaming the author for his name. It’s just unfortunate.