Negliwhaaaaat?

Who needs Victoria's Secret?

I don’t understand. I bought this corset to get my husband’s crank turning, but he just went right back to watching Sportscenter. It says ‘sexy’ right under the boobies, but it still nothing happened. Maybe it will spice someone else’s life. I didn’t even get wet in it.

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A Little Flat

A husband and wife are packing up after a garage sale, taking stock of what has not been sold

Man: I can’t believe no one bought these commemorative 100 Years of Kansas Basketball Cokes that also get you $5 off at Worlds of Fun. I guess we’ll just throw them away.

Woman: Throw them away? Sweetie, these cans are 12-years old and still have the original plastic ring on them. Just because our uncultured neighbors failed to appreciate them at the low, low price of $7 each, that does not mean we will simply throw them away. We didn’t sell these reasonably priced gallon ziplock bags of packing peanuts either, but we aren’t just going to toss them to the curb are we?

Man:(chuckles)No, of course not. But what should we do with the sodas?

Woman: Why don’t we put them in a sports memorabilia auction?

Man: That’s a great idea. With a $7 reserve they’ll be a hot ticket item for sure.

Woman: $7? That was the garage sale price. The bottom-of-the-barrel, practically-giving-it-away price. We should set the reserve at $12 each.

Man: It’s a good thing I have you around. I am no good with finances.

The cans of soda fail to sell at the auction.

Woman: I can’t believe this. Not even one bid.

Man: You know how auctions are, if you don’t have the right buyers then a piece of history can go unsold.

Woman: I know. But I had such a good feeling about them.

Man: Me too. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we donate them.

Woman: To the KU Athletic Department! That way they would be on display at Allen Field House and people could look at them before home games.

Man: Won’t that be perfect?

Woman: It’s where they belong.

After several unreturned calls and unanswered letters…

Man: I guess we’ll just keep them.

Woman: I’m not keeping them. Just toss it in the pile and I’ll take it to the Habitat for SlavationWill.

At the Donation Location

Employee Dames Gayberline: Gross. This idiot just donated 12-year old Coke.

Employee Cass O’Frass: Ugh. I’ll give you $5 to drink one.

Dames: No.

O’Frass: $10.

Dames: Eh…

O’Frass: $15

Dames: Deal.

Employee Fluker: OH HELL NAW!

Insert Coin Pun Here

Leaving birthdays and Christmases in its wake.

According to the box, CoinStruction is the “fun way to make your money grow.” This is because CoinStruction is made by people who have no idea what constitutes fun. They are operating under the belief that kids enjoy saving change and using it to build models of ships, birds and what appears to be a cat with its stomach removed, rather than spending it on candy or at the arcade. (and I am operating under the belief that arcades still exist.) 

This “toy” shouldn’t exist but just because it does, that does not excuse the donor from not stopping the cycle. Besides, poor people shop at SalvationHumanityWill. Their children don’t have money. 

CoinStruction: the Legos that leave your fingers tasting like metal.

Take a Few Hacks

Forget your baseball cards, you twit, there is a topless mermaid swimming outside your porthole. (I’d like to get inside her porthole.) Who cares about Alex Gordon’s batting average (I’d let her choke up on my bat) there are underwater breasts unencumbered by seashells or any sort of make shift brassiere. (I’d let her ride my pine) I’m as shocked as that illogically colored fish that this ginger is so enamored with relics of a sport, no longer playable due to the melted polar ice caps, that he doesn’t notice Ariel’s green-haired, sluttier cousin showing of her flesh anemones. (I’d let her round my bases. I’d let her go high and inside. I’d like to take her out to a ball game. I’d stretch her seventh inning. I’d Roger her Dorn)

This is an unacceptable amount of side-boob for the cover of a children’s book.