Holy Shit! That Dolphin is Fucking Flying

Concrete evidence of evolution: Flying dolphins

Flipper menacingly circles the lighthouse, likeĀ a buzzard dancing in the sky above a weakened calf. He shall exact justice upon mankind for its injustices against the sea.


Off the Tip

This is from Hummel’s “Red Light District” line of figurines.
To be fair somebody bought this, so it ended up being sellable and not a bad donation. However, I’m not sure if it was purchased by someone who saw its comedic value, an old lady who didn’t think it looked like an engorged wang, or an old lady who loves children and engorged wangs.

Friends Are Like Weather

I know what you’re thinking. “That’s a very nice looking figurine. How is that not a quality donation?”

And you’re right. It’s very lovely (other than the snowflakes kind of look like a spine) and someone would pay a good price for it. What you can’t see is the writing on the back of it. I copied it down so I could reproduce it here, but I don’t want to get up. I’ll tell you the gist of it. Friends are like snowflakes. There’s more to it than that, something about them dancing around us and being unique, but the important part is that friends are like snowflakes.

Items with cutesy print about friends/sisters/puppies being precious gifts given by angels turn up all the time. The problem is that they always have the flimsiest similes a human being could conceive of. One item we received claimed that friends are like buttons. How? Because we collect them. My guess was that the number you have depends on the shirt you’re wearing. Or because I keep mine in a jar on the sewing table.

So here are a few ways that the friends/snowflake comparison could be misconstrued. They change at certain temperatures. They only come around during the winter. Children try to catch them with their tongues. They’re pretty at first but after week they sit by the side of the road looking ugly.

Feel free to leave your own version in the comments.