Supporting the Cause

You can smell the victory.

Much like the coin purse that this jock strap previously held, this picture is a bit fuzzy. And for that we apologize. Moving on to business.No matter how many 3A high school state track and field championships your lucky jock won, it needs to be washed properly. Proper washing of clothes is step one to the donation process. Even then it will still be held between a Donation Location employees thumb and pointer finger while she emits a low eeeeeeew and throws it away. Because it’s a jock strap. Blech.

A Little Flat

A husband and wife are packing up after a garage sale, taking stock of what has not been sold

Man: I can’t believe no one bought these commemorative 100 Years of Kansas Basketball Cokes that also get you $5 off at Worlds of Fun. I guess we’ll just throw them away.

Woman: Throw them away? Sweetie, these cans are 12-years old and still have the original plastic ring on them. Just because our uncultured neighbors failed to appreciate them at the low, low price of $7 each, that does not mean we will simply throw them away. We didn’t sell these reasonably priced gallon ziplock bags of packing peanuts either, but we aren’t just going to toss them to the curb are we?

Man:(chuckles)No, of course not. But what should we do with the sodas?

Woman: Why don’t we put them in a sports memorabilia auction?

Man: That’s a great idea. With a $7 reserve they’ll be a hot ticket item for sure.

Woman: $7? That was the garage sale price. The bottom-of-the-barrel, practically-giving-it-away price. We should set the reserve at $12 each.

Man: It’s a good thing I have you around. I am no good with finances.

The cans of soda fail to sell at the auction.

Woman: I can’t believe this. Not even one bid.

Man: You know how auctions are, if you don’t have the right buyers then a piece of history can go unsold.

Woman: I know. But I had such a good feeling about them.

Man: Me too. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we donate them.

Woman: To the KU Athletic Department! That way they would be on display at Allen Field House and people could look at them before home games.

Man: Won’t that be perfect?

Woman: It’s where they belong.

After several unreturned calls and unanswered letters…

Man: I guess we’ll just keep them.

Woman: I’m not keeping them. Just toss it in the pile and I’ll take it to the Habitat for SlavationWill.

At the Donation Location

Employee Dames Gayberline: Gross. This idiot just donated 12-year old Coke.

Employee Cass O’Frass: Ugh. I’ll give you $5 to drink one.

Dames: No.

O’Frass: $10.

Dames: Eh…

O’Frass: $15

Dames: Deal.

Employee Fluker: OH HELL NAW!

March Sadness

Probably not making the team in this shirt.

This is from Oshkosh-begosh’s brand new “Vaguely Aware” line. It’s designed for parents who are vaguely aware of things that kids are into these days. Are you vaguely aware of internets and motherboards? Buy your child the shirt with words “modem”, “RAM” and “geocities.” 

Are you vaguely aware that kids like sports and want your kid to fit in but have no allegiance to any specific team? This shirt is for you. Basketball specific terms like “2 points”, “slam dunk” and “defense” will show that your child is hip and in the know. Even though two of those three terms also apply to football. But the orange circle with the lines clearly indicate that this is a basketball playing kid. I’m not sure what the number 25 on the hip is about. Ignore the fact that this is a baseball tee. 

While you’re at it ignore the ass kicking your kid is getting for wearing this instead of a shirt with a real team on it.